I know this doesn't follow my average beauty makeup or special effects or fashion, But I do think it is still relevant. Feel free to skip this entry if you want. Or read along and hear this story. (NSFW photos ahead that are medical in nature not adult)
I want to state that I never thought I was ugly, or too fat or anything that was not beautiful about myself when I was plus size. Everyone has ugly days where they don't feel good but overall I was fine with how I looked and who I was/am. The problem with being 340lbs is that my back was broken when I was 250lbs and 4 years of gaining weight on top of that made it so much worse that I couldn't work anymore. My herniated disc in my back with the spinal stenosis made it so painful that I couldn't walk some days, stand up straight, sit up properly or even get much sleep. I was on heavy pain killers which was a struggle for me when I am a former addict. I felt horrible that I needed more and asking for me made me feel like I was giving up, like a junkie, and that I was just a weak human being.
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| this was just after high school, when I 1st asked for a gastric bypass about 250lbs here |
I tried going to the gym but it got too expensive, tried going for walks but I was in so much pain I couldn't get very far, tried going on different diets but either I would be too broke to afford fresh meat and veggies for weekly groceries. So I finally asked for a gastric bypass(for the second time in my life).
I had tried to get one before when I was 19 but at that time they weren't doing them in Canada, and the closest doctor in the states wouldn't take me because I was too young. I had gained 75lbs for every 6 months once I started on depo prevera shot(I was told due to my extremely painful menses that this would help). I lost some of the weight during the time I was in college(about 60lbs) but then gained it back after I hurt my back.
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| Me right when I first seriously started looking into my gastric bypass, at 340lbs here |
I was still fine with my body, I liked to model and dress up. photo by Shannon Lepere
So in 2012 I applied again while I was on disability for a chance at a gastric bypass. I had changed doctors to a female doctor. My old GP had been my doctor since I was born, and he just kinda treated bigger people like they were just lazy and gave no credibility to any other under laying issues.(he treated my mum that way and a few other good friends who are plus sized) Once I was accepted into the program I was gun-ho about proving to them I was the perfect candidate. I stopped drinking pop, I started a food journal. I started going to the gym again(this time I got a personal trainer who understood chronic pain and the gym had a pool, a steam room, a hot tub and a sauna). On my own I did loose about 10 lbs. But then in the winter I slipped and fell on some ice and really messed up my back and hip and couldn't walk or drive for a few weeks which set me back.
In May 2012, right before my surgery I had a seizure. I was told I have some rare form of seizure(which I'm still getting tested for), but was cleared of epilepsy for the time being so I could still have the surgery.
On June 1st 2012 I had my gastric bypass. This is the surgery where the operate on you, they cut your stomach into a tiny pouch that you can fit the tip of your pinky finger into and leave the rest to add bile into your colon later on. I was in the hospital for a week. This was when my wonderful now-husband kept me company over the internet and awesome phone calls. He even put up with my stupid morphine induced jibberish rants.
2 weeks pior the doctors put you on a liver shrinking diet, just on that I lost 30lbs. The shakes took a bit to get used to but they are some of the best protein shakes I've had. I want to drink them again but I am at this point in time I am unsure if they are healthy to have when you are still eating(which, I would think, not put you into ketosis(pre-liver failure)).
4 days after surgery, happy I didn't have 2 iv's in my hand anymore. I don't know what it is but IV in my hand is really scary to me. I will restrain myself from moving even a inch in that hand. I am scare that the artery is too small and a tendon moving will push it out and I'll bleed alot or something.
At this point I could drink 1 small watercooler cup of water a day. I was on a strictly liquid diet. Each week or 2 I could add a few more things. Most stuff was gross, I never liked oatmeal and that was a big one that I had to eat. Also ensure's are gross.
I did however start to actually like yogurt and cottage cheese. Before I thought that it was gross. My favorite thing was making scrambled eggs and mixing it with 1/3 cup of pasta sauce. It took about 6 months to be able to eat meat and bread for the first time.
I also had to start a list of pills to take every day for the rest of my life:
pre natal multivitamins because they have more of everything
pantaloc to prevent uclers forming
vitamin D and E to help my scars and skin tighten up faster
calcium because after this surgery the potential for osteoporosis is very high
for the first month I had to also take a shot of vitamin K directly into my stomach daily
I also take 2 pain killers and birth control
a month after surgery, lost about 50lbs at this point. Wearing what was once a waist chincer as a top but it was safety pinned together because it was too big.
this is about 220lbs-200lbs this is winter 2012-13
After loosing the first aprox 100lbs: my chronic pain was under control. I could go for 2 1 hour long walks each day. I could go dancing, and I was at the point of the surgery where I was at my "diet for life".
But at this time I was still not handling bread or meat very well. Same with sugar. Some days I NEEDED sugar, to the point where the nurse thought I was hypoglyemic. I would shake, have blackouts, faint, not be able to see very well.. other days I was almost diabetic. I would go into shock if I had a bit of sugar, throw up, have hot and cold flashes and be in bed for hours with a migraine. Unfortunately these 2 sugar related symptoms still are happening.
Throwing up with this new kind of stomach isn't fun either. I don't have a gag reflex from all the tubes they put down your throat for scans, scopes, airways and other surgery stuff. I also have no bile so everything comes up not fast but slow, it crawls up my throat and is just the mush of whatever I chewed(or what sometimes is the cause is not chewing it enough) with whatever I drank and spit. It takes a long time to throw up and my new nick name for this post-op phase is called "forced bulimia".
The only medical downside to this was my seizures started getting worse and the fact that I was lighter meant I spasm-ed harder and flung around more. I wasn't heavy anymore to keep myself on the ground, so now I was getting hurt while having my seizures.
At this time I also started my full time job as a esthetics teacher. Over the year that I worked there I lost about 60lbs. The weight started to drop off more slowly as I was building up new muscle, playing with Kyle's kids and working all the time.
you can see my face getting Skinner from when I 1st started vs near the spring/summer
My husband was there for me from the day I had my 1st seizure till now, through all the traveling, blood, pus, bandages, crying, pain, exercise and throwing up. I still don't know how he has that much faith in me.
In the spring , my mum died and I had to clean out and renovate her house(she was a really bad hoarder), also clean out my 3 generation home I had been living in for the past 7 years and sell it. So all that work and gained alot of muscle that I didn't have before. Some of my skin started to tighten up a little bit.
Past this point are some more graphic photos(nudity and post-surgery) if you want to read on, please do if not feel free to ask questions if you still want to know, or if you have any negative comments keep them to yourself.
In September of 2013 I started my next step which was a breast augmentation and getting my arm skin removed.
As you can see above my skin was so hanging that you could fit another arm in there. I started getting rashes in my armpits and my breasts were all skin and no fat. No mammary fat either. That was the most depressing thing during this time(about my body: obviously my mum dying was #1 on that list as a whole). I loved having big breasts, I was proud of my 46EEE cups. It was definitely apart of who I was. They were how(i thought at least) I got guys near me to look past the belly, arms, back and legs to get near me enough to talk to me until my personality took over. It's how my friends said hello(my motor boating me). I know a lot of it sounds foolish but they were an asset to me. The skin wouldn't fit into my bras anymore, it would fall out of the bottom or spill out of the top.
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| the day of my surgery |
Past this I was feeling good. I was floating inbetween 170-160lbs
engagement photo by Shannon Lepere
In November of 2013 I went to Toronto and had my surgery. I ended up getting a breast lift, skin removal, gel implants and the arm lift. My arms lost 2lbs each and my breasts stayed about even due to the implants though they were now 38 D's. I thought they were very small and for a time was unhappy with them. But without the implants they would of gone down to a 38 B.
a week after surgery
I had to keep the bandages on for about a month, I went back in December to get another check up. When they do a lift, they don't detach your nipples fully, just around them. You can see from the marker marks pre-op how high they were going to make them. They ended up actually being a bit too high so now they pop out of the front of my bra's alot. also my nipple rings were straight horizontal before hand and now they are kinda slanted in a V shape.
Me going out on a early xmas date night while in TO for my check up
some scars leftover in feb 2014. I was also super excited that I had a nice form for my underarm and that I could pull off some good side boob.
this was my reward for losing all the weight: Docle & Gabanna dress size 8 :D I never had such a nice dress before even remotely come near my body. I cried in the change room at this experience. I didn't think I was such a girly girl but I guess I am. Because now I'm more than ever obsessed with fashion
Now over the past year I have been trying to loose this last 10 lbs. I just want to hit 150lbs. And I finally did! We started going to the gym, riding our bikes, walking, swimming more. Its hard to get the last 20-10 lbs because of all the extra skin. It fills up with fat so quickly but it's not hardened yet so it can be lost just as quickly.
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| when I bend over a bit you can see where my actual torso is vs. how much sagging skin I have |
my niece asked me the other day why my stomach is so wrinkley
the skin I can physically grab away from my leg. my "ponch" or whatever you want to call it is also all skin and as much as I don't want the barbie doll-porn star looking vagina... it's better than this floppy mess. It gets irritated, suffocated which results in lots of UTI's and rashes. Due to the skin being so saggy no underwear fits properly, not even granny panties.
the amount of hang-over gut I have left.
Now all I have left is my excess skin on the bottom half of me. I still have skin on my back, my stomach and my thighs. I promised myself and my doctors that I wouldn't go for the final tummy tuck and leg lift until I had my baby that I was planning to have with Kyle. But because of the seizures I need to figure out what is going on with that and if its safe to have a baby. Or if I will be healthy enough to raise one. I do have my 2 step kids but I don't have them 24/7. We do have them 50% of the time and I think that I could do it but they are old enough (5 and 3) to know what to do when I have a seizure. I couldn't imagine falling/fainting/blacking out while being pregnant or while holding a infant.
I see no point in getting a tummy tuck then putting more stretch marks in and sagging it out again.
But so far I've lost 200+lbs and am happily married and healthier to play with my kids and my family.
photo by Day Vid Z photography. Me on my wedding day with the most supportive husband that anyone could ask for.
Thanks for reading, if you have questions feel free to post a comment or message me on my facebook page.
xoxox
Scotia
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